in secret
i love & mourn you
not out of shame
but out of fear
fear that loving you
admits my own problems
& despair
it is not fair that
this is my burden —
the barren essence
my love for you is different —
you are more a stranger
i pushed you away
from moment one
knowing that it
would hurt more
to love you & mourn you
than to not love you at all
rationally, i should not mourn
or love you —
but i am run by emotion
emotion tells me
that i am missing you
you are a piece that i need
in my life to be fully me
who am i without you —
or the others?
who i am on my own?
rationally, i am still me
but i am run by emotion
no, i am fueled by emotion
it it not a hinderance
but a gift to feel so deeply
so, who do i fearfully love & mourn
for the love that was not given?
savvynah 